Dateline, Dec 2010
No discrimination, No prejudice
Winslers do not discriminate. This month the city gave $ 10,000 to Standing on the Coroner, $ 3000 to the Top Gear Crowd
and $ 1000 to the aboriginals for their celebrations.
Outdoor Swim Pool Closed for Winter
Citizens that ride the pool water down on Thursdays are warned that the pool is closed and covered until Memorial Day. The cover keeps the Winter riffraff out.
Double Dippers Wages Frozen
Double and triple dipping corrupt
officials were notified that their wages would be frozen for two years. This chill is in concert with the recent federal mandate that put the ice to federal oinkers.
City Receives Tony Clifton Award
Once again the city gains a coveted
award. It is given for arrogance, ignorance and apathy by public officials. This time is the purchase of the Patty-Boid. While river riding trips can be scheduled, the showboat has been at anchor for several months. There has been a discussion about bronzing and mounting the boat on a pedestal for tourists to view.
Council approves Temple Permit
A local Muslim group received a building permit for their new Islamic temple.
The congregation wants to build a 7 story minaret as soon as the temple is complete.
The minaret will be located near the Black Indian statue in BFS Park. Donations of time and funds are welcome. A search for local virgins is underway. Just in case.
Slo Council agrees To Volunteer
Mayor Payne announced that council members will serve at no cost to the taxpayers until the economy improves.
The police chief was authorized to increase traffic stops to offset the reduced tax income. They are encouraged to stop more speeders and those on cell phones and collect the $ 100 bounties.
Shovel Ready Project in Progress
The City Manager announced that the latest shovel ready project sponsored by a stimulus grant is going great guns. He showed a map of the location of the antique porta-potties due to arrive before snowfall.
Each new park bench will have a potty
assigned to it. When visitors tire from the views offered by the park benches they can get respite and relief at hand.
Dateline, Jan 2011
No discrimination, No decision
Winslers do not discriminate. This month Planners and Zoners hosted the contestants wanting to be the Maryjane Market in the city. Several groups petitioned for licences. Holy Smoke, a religious group were among the top candidates. Their church is outside city limits. Several other groups with dope connections were still in the running at press time. Former police officials were represented. No one has been eliminated the P & Z Chair announced, just as long as the
Marts are a stone's throw away from public schools and playgrounds.
Burkahs are the New Fashion
The city manager announced in an
On the Coroner address that burkahs were allowed to be worn in public, legally. The motivation was flu prevention. Wearers were to be provided red and white canes to assist them in walking and crossing streets. “While burkahs will shield the public from flu germs, they restrict peripheral vision”,he said.
Mayor gives Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza Pardons
Citizens attended Mayor Payne's pardoning ceremony Thursday. In mirroring the White House practice with turkeys,he pardoned all the dogs and cats in the pound. The day after Christmas all condemned dogs and cats were to be released back into the city. Citizens are warned that the animal crowd may visit their neighborhood and to be ready to feed and water them on demand.
The Police are your Friends
The local police SWAT Team demonstrated their friendly approach to solving the few crimes in the city. The chief and detectives showed off their new Homeland Insecurity vehicle. It is resplendent with its 20 MM Gatling Gunmount. The force decimated a hill of haybales for the High School kids and staff. The tracers set off a minor blaze that was quickly snuffed out by the Fire Fighting few. The gun will be fired every July 4 th so that kids can see tracer patterns.
City Receives AnotherTony Clifton Award
Once again the city gains the coveted
award. It is given for arrogance, ignorance and apathy by public officials. This time it is for the downsizing package they are ramming through. In order to keep the corrupt officials pay increase this time,they are reducing two workforces. The first is the cemetery crew. From now on citizens will be digging their own graves for their families. Taxpayers are warned about penalties for not burying loved ones, smoothing the surface and replating the grass over loved ones.The second area for elimination is the water company crew. In the future sewage problems will be resolved by the city renting porta-potties to the afflicted residences. This is similar to the Jimmy-toters that taxpayers enjoy today.
Dateline, Feb 2011
No discrimination, No prejudice
Winslers do not discriminate. This month the city raised the water rates and drove three motels out of business. With an increase in sewer rates most people will be shivering in their Port-a-potties ( or out houses). This is evenhanded. The double dippers are happy not to be prejudiced.
School head wear Approved for Winter
Citizens were alerted to the retraction of the head wear ban imposed at the beginning of the school year. All hats are acceptable. Caps can be warn both sideways and backwards as well as brim front. Burkahs and cowhand hats are allowable as well. Hardhats and helmets are discouraged but also permitted.
Double Dippers Wages Frozen
Double and triple dipping corrupt
officials were notified that their wages would be frozen for two years. This chill is in concert with the recent federal mandate that put the ice to federal oinkers.
City Receives Tony Clifton Award
Once again the city gains a coveted
award. It is given for arrogance, ignorance and apathy by public officials. This time is the practice of environmentally wise road striping. With the state mandated restriction against oil based paints, the city will use sidewalk chalk lines. The stimulating, shovel ready plan will provide an endless job opportunity for qualified,out of county, contractors. Lately, they are ever present along with the chain gangers.
Council approves Fracking in Public
Another out of state group received a building permit for their new street drilling project. They will inject sewerage outflow into the holes for raising natural gas out of the earth. The council is usually so full of natural gas and heifer dust that the approval was a slam dunk. Homeowners are warned that the natural gas smell of their drinking water is not harmful. It replaces the current bleach smell that citizens have enjoyed since the advent of the state crowbar hotel.
Slo Council agrees To Volunteer
Mayor Payne announced that council members will serve at no cost to the taxpayers for television roles. They will be compensated by FOX. They will be the volunteer corpses on Bones and ER. They have been studying their roles for years.
Old Knockemstiff got the deal and four of the council will join her for the TV auditions.
Shovel Ready Project in Progress
Souvenir laminated cow pies and
doggy do are available at city hall.
Profits go to “ Jump the Humpout”
prizes. Contest rules next issue.
Dateline, Mar 2011
No discrimination, No prejudice
Winslers do not discriminate. This month the city approved a new ordinance. Only out of city or county contractors would be used from now on. This action was in reaction to local contractos arguing about “fair share” guarenteed bids. Under the table bids were discussed which inspired the new law.
Council sells Sweep Tickets
Citizens were alerted to the availability to purchace “:Sweep tickets” at city hall. beginning of the school year. Citizens and tourists can purchace a limited number of tickets to attend immigrant sweep sweeps throughout Winlo. Tickets are also available on the Coroner and at the Chamber. The Chamber is where money goes into a black hole. Sweep should stimulate the hospital economy. Guest sweepers are cautioned that most sweeps are held before dawn. A Hispanic buffet is included after the roundup. No hazing by guests are allowed. Bulletproof vests, helmets, gloves and goggles are available on request for an additional charge.
Double Dippers Wages Frozen
Double and triple dipping corrupt
officials were notified that their wages would be frozen for two years. This chill is in concert with the recent federal mandate that put the ice to federal oinkers.
Tony Clifton Award
Once again the city gains a coveted
award. It is given for arrogance, ignorance and apathy by public officials. This time is the practice of environmentally wise road striping. With the state mandated restriction against oil based paints, the city will use sidewalk chalk lines. The stimulating, shovel ready plan will provide an endless job opportunity for qualified,out of county, contractors. Lately, they are ever present along with the chain gangers.
Council Sponsors Jump the Humps
City council narrowly approved the Jump the Humps contest. The rules are simple. You must use your own vehicle. The vehicle will hit the hump smartly and safely without damaging trees or lamp posts. Police wil measure jump distance. Prizes will be awarded weekly. Monthly prizes will have trophies along with widespread news coverage.
Slo Council agrees To Volunteer
Mayor Payne announced that council members will serve at no cost to the taxpayers for television roles. They will be compensated by FOX. They will be the volunteer corpses on Bones and ER. They have been studying their roles for years.
Old Knockemstiff got the deal and four of the council will join her for the TV auditions.
Dateline, Apr 2011
Council sells Win in Winlow Game
Citizens were excited to learn that a new game published by city hall was available for sale to the public. Citizens and tourists can purchace an u limited number of games that suppliment the sewer fees that permit super bonuses for top city officials. Taxpayers can secure their copy at a reduced rate while tourists and other foreigners will pay a premium. The board game encourages cheating, lying and corruption tactics. Copies are available at city hall or the Chamber where money goes into a black hole. Win in Winlow should stimulate the economy. Motels and resturaunts are encouraged to push the games on guests. Strategy and cheat booklets are available on request for an additional charge at the city attorney's office. He can provide practical advice on election rigging. It is an essential part of the game.
Tony Clifton Award
Once again the city gains a coveted
award. It is given for brazen arrogance, ignorance and apathy by public officials. This month the council and chamber facilitated the opening of the new war helicopter plant at the Amelia Earhart Aerodrome. The air park was named to honor those who never returned from flying. The chamber assisted by sponsoring the worldwide chopper naming contest. The top two winners were HUK and Mujadeen. These new models were named for the Filipino and Afghan freedom fighters in past wars. Runners up were Sandanista and Chicom. They were rejected as lacking the threat message like Apache. The plant will employ 2-250 out of city employees and management
Council Expands Jump the Humps
City council approved offering Jump the Humps contest to out of city contestants. Remember the simple rules. You must use your own vehicle. The vehicle will hit the hump smartly and safely without damaging trees or lamp posts. Police will measure jump distance. Prizes will be awarded weekly. Monthly prizes will have trophies along with widespread news coverage.
Slo Council agrees To Volunteer
Mayor Payne announced that council members are available for business closings. Other mayors and council attend business openings where they help cut the opening ribbon. In Winlow they show up to wrap the black ribbon around the door of the dead shop.
New Shovel Ready Project in Progress
Memorial parks will be shuffled around the city starting next month. The Black native will be replaced by the NYC war artifacts and the Bullfrog will be moved to Rotery Park.
